Y 2.05.2006
His Words
I just remembered na I liked the homily of the priest who celebrated the First Friday mass last February 3. He said something about the words of St. Ignatius Loyola. We just studied about reformation so I know that Ignatius Loyola was the founder of the Jesuits mission which led the Church in the counter-reformation. Well, anyway I was really listening during the mass so that I might get enlightened and be able to determine what I really want. Suddenly during the homily, the priest suddenly said something about living the here and now. Then he said that happiness comes from within. Happiness is a decision. Once he said that, I suddenly really paid attention. Then he suddenly said not to let our past control the present. That was when everything he said suddenly flowed through my veins. Then he mentioned that we should not anticipate the future since it hasn't happened yet. He didn't mean not to plan for the future but don't be too sure of the things that'll happen which is totally true and right. I have been anticipating the future for quite some time now and when what I anticipated did not happen, I was so devastated and frustrated. I also let the past control all my present actions. I was so happy that I was able to listen to the priest's homily. That mass was really meant by God for me. I was really enlightened. Maybe it was those words that still keeps me strong now. That's why I haven't cried yet. I'm so crazy. I keep on telling myself to cry so that It'll all be over but I can't. No tears seem to fall. I also realized that if i keep myself busy and if I'm preoccupied I won't be able to pay attention to my emotions that much. Yesterday morning I was quite sad because I wasn't able to go out since all my friends were not available. There was nothing to watch on tv but the news about the stampede and my sister was using the computer so I had nothing to do. I was dreading the moment that my mind would go back to everything that happened and my heart would feel heavy and I would feel lonely and depressed but good for me that moment didn't come. I was able to talk to someone. The head is finally in control once again. I already figured out a plan on how not to remember and not let the heart take over once again. I'm really glad that I'm the kind of person who knows how to manipulate my mindset so as not to let myself get hurt that much. I seem to have lost that kind of power over myself during the past few months that's why I let myself cry. Like what michaelle wrote on her stat last night. A man is not worth your tears, whoever is will not make you cry. Anyway, I'm no hypocrite so I wouldn't say I've already moved on. No, I haven't but I've already set my mind to moving on. I've already placed my head in control. My heart needs to rest for now. It's time for my heart to sleep for awhile until the right person wakes it up.
you know you love me
xoxo
11:04:00 AM
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