Y 9.12.2005
Soaking. Drowning. Sorry
I just realized that this blog is my outlet. I can say anything here and I can pour my emotions and my darkest feelings. The whole weekend I have been picturing myself writing here with my latest post entitled "There's still no place like Home" as a tribute to my going home to Pampanga. After a month and a half I finally went home. I was supposed to write about how I felt really special since they cooked my fave foods and how they showed that they really missed me. Things were going smoothly, same as ever until late Sunday afternoon. My deepest, darkest secret is finally out. My family knows. I don't know about my dad but my mom knows. My grandmother, three of my aunts, my uncle, my brother, my sisters and even my cousins know. I'm doomed. My mother was so mad. I feel so guilty. I don't know what to do. I'm grounded for life. A prisoner in my own world. I don't want to go back home. I just want to escape. My aunt gave this speech and this morning's car ride was definitely the longest. I feel like I've disappointed everybody. I feel like I'm such a bad person. I hate myself right now. I hate myself for being stupid and not deleting my sent messages. I hate myself for lying. I hate myself for getting caught. I hate myself. I don't think anybody understands my situation. Everything just doesn't feel right. Getting back to today, the classes were the same. I miss Vanir. I haven't been with her for three straight days. Some classes were the same as ever but I can't seem to see things the way I see them before, even if it was just two days ago. I managed to stay intact for the whole day. We even prepared a birthday celebration for our adviser with cakes and everything. Suddenly, during P.E. time I found out that he thinks of me badly at the moment. Why? What did I do? That's when I realized that I've been acting so stupid these past few weeks. I was just like Regina from Mean Girls. Watch the movie if you don't know who she is. I realized my mistake. I had a short conversation with my friends before going home. That was when I can't take it anymore, I cried. I don't know. The timing is just wrong. My friends and I were supposed to go to EK on Saturday. Now, I don't even know if I'm allowed to go. When I went out of school it was raining. The people who I go home with were nowhere to be seen. Good thing Iric shared his umbrella for awhile. Reaching the LRT station I saw them. I was glad that I'll go home with them since I don't want to think about things. That was when I got the courage. I took out my CP and texted my mom. I said sorry. It's something that's so hard to do. Finally, I arrived at my stop. Good thing I was able to ride a jeepney right away but when I got off it was already raining hard and I had no umbrella. I got soaked. I took a bath immediately and opened my mail. I started crying again. I received an e-mail from Marj. I just can't help it. She told me all about her first week. I feel so excited for her. I can't wait to tell her about all the things that happened here. I'm drowning in the pool of my emotions. I'm soaking with guilt. I'm sorry for all the things that I have done. I want to say sorry to my mom and my family for lying to them. I want to say sorry to my friends if ever there are times that I'm so bossy. Sorry Nikko for taking control of your birthday. Sorry Abychu if there are times that I took you for granted. Sorry Marj if there are times that I seem to forget where you are thinking that you are just here with us. Sorry to you, sorry for whatever I did that made you think of me badly. Sorry to everyone. Just sorry. To end my post I want to share this poem I got from Aia titled Pretend. Pretend How brave I was to pretend that I wasn't hurt when we fell apart? For a long long time, me was not me, and we became only me Yet no one seemed to have noticed. How many times did I put up a happy front though my heart was really hurting? It amazes me no end when I look at the mirror and talk to myself And yes, I always say I've been the greatest pretender of all time How do I stop pretending it seems your love is not coming back? How do I stop pretending whent it seems you'll never come back. To hold me, to love me, to kiss me again. Well I guess that until you come back and light up my life again, I will just keep on pretending. - end of poem - I won't live my life pretending I'm this or that when I'm not. I will start a new leaf where my family and friends are No.1, where my studies is my number 1 priority and where God is the center of everything I do. I just hope other people learn this lesson too.
you know you love me
xoxo
7:09:00 PM
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